Exodus Lessons

I’m reading through the Bible in a year, following the Read the Bible for Life plan. I just started last month…but with everything I’m juggling I’ve gotten behind. So when insomnia kicked in again last night/this morning, I pulled it out and read a couple day’s portions! Here is how Paraclete used it to minister to my heart…..

“I will harden Pharaoh’s heart so that he will pursue [the Israelites]. Then I will receive glory by means of Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am Yahweh.” Exodus 14:4, God speaking.

For Moses, God pretty clearly laid out His game plan. The first Passover had just occurred, the Israelites had just been brought out of Egypt through God’s mighty deliverance and by His awesome miracles overwhelming the Egyptians. But God wasn’t through yet. He wanted to show His mighty power towards the Egyptians one more time, that He may receive the glory.

Interesting that God indicates this final Exodus miracle was for the sake of the Egyptians rather than the Israelites! Possibly because the Israelites should have already known that by this point? But as we shall see….they still had more lessons to learn!

So in order to prove His own glory yet again, God told the Israelites where to go and where to camp, so that Pharaoh would think they were confused and boxed in…easy prey (14:2-3). God purposely orchestrated a stressful experience for His people—having an army of angry masters in chariots chase down a people with old & young who had barely tasted freedom yet—to prove a point.

If any human being did that, it would be considered selfishness and megalomania to the extreme. It certainly doesn’t look/feel like something a loving God would do. But in the holistic complexity of Yahweh, He—of course—had a greater plan He was working out.

“As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up and saw the Egyptians coming after them. Then the Israelites were terrified and cried out to the LORD for help.” 14:10

Definitely a very natural human response to the situation they were placed in!!! I would have been terrified too, definitely. Yet at the same time, their fear shows how young they were in the journey of trusting God. Obviously, they had not yet been made perfect in love (1 John 4:18). Neither have I. Because when stressful/painful/frustrating circumstances come up, such as having a hard time falling asleep last night, the temptation to question God is right there on the doorstep of my heart.

BUT, the Israelites chose to cry out to the Lord for help in the midst of their fear. So that was a positive point! Moses admonished them,

“Don’t be afraid. Stand firm and see the LORD’s salvation He will provide for you today; for the Egyptians you see today, you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you, you must be quiet.” 14:13-14

I can’t help but wonder if Moses had communicated to the Israelites what God had told him in 14:4… We’re not told for sure. But the next verse in the story is interesting…God kind of rebukes Moses (or possibly that’s intended for Israel) for crying out to Him—I guess because He had already told him this situation would be for His glory??

So you know the rest of that chapter of the story – as God promised, He instigated another great, miraculous deliverance. And in chapter 15, Moses and the Israelites had the right response: singing a hymn of praise to God! Note verse 13:

“You will lead the people You have redeemed with Your faithful love; You will guide them to Your holy dwelling with Your strength.”

Spot on, perfect, 100% true – the people had just been shown evidence of that 11 times! (Ten plagues in Egypt + Red Sea)

But before that chapter even finishes, after three days without water, the grumbling and uncertainty crop right back up…this time at Marah (15:22-26). Then it happens again, in the following chapter—just a few weeks after leaving Egypt—and the issue this time is food. So much so that the Israelites wish “If only we had died by the LORD’s hand in the land of Egypt…” (16:3).

And so begins the pattern which would repeat itself again…and again…and again over the next thousand years of Israelite history in which Missio Dei pursued His people, but they could never maintain a heart attitude of trust and obedience for very long.

When I was young and naïve, it was easy for me to mentally criticize those silly people who could never learn to keep on practicing what God was teaching them.

Now I’m a little older, and not quite as naïve. I’ve passed through more life experiences, and I have definitely witnessed that the questioning, rebellious, wandering heart of the Israelites is the same heart that resides in me, apart from Christ’s redemptive work.

That has been and continues to be a very humbling process for me…especially these past two years.

Honestly, among a plethora of other things, I don’t like the fact that I’ve been constantly struggling with insomnia to varying degrees for the past 10+ weeks. That in those weeks, I’ve never once slept straight through the night to be awakened by my alarm…unless I took a dose of the strong prescription medicine that made me sleep between February and July.**

BUT GOD.

As I wrote about in the conclusion of my l-o-n-g blog post last weekend, my story isn’t really about me. It’s about HIM. And yes, it can be very hard to maintain that perspective…especially if I’m not choosing to be 100% dependent and leaning on my heavenly Father.

But I hope that I am taking baby steps in that process of learning and growing…especially as God continues to lavish me with HIS grace and HIS unconditional love. I am so blessed. Blessed to be loved by and to serve a God who works for His glory 100% of the time, but who also works out ALL THINGS for the good of me and each of His people 100% of the time. And when my mind focuses on the wonder of His beautiful Truth, I give thanks—that He is the Only Perfect One, awesomely good at doing both. I certainly could never do that. So obviously I need to stop trying to play God!

I’m still very much on this journey. Please join me in continuing to pray for me in the ups and downs of this beautifully challenging transitional season. Most of all, that I would be content to give HIM all the praise & glory!!

**During my health roller coaster over the past nine months since insomnia forcefully pushed its way into my life, I’ve been amazed again and again and again at how God has created us as such complex beings…physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. There are so many different approaches to dealing with health issues, and I’m kind of muddling my way through it. I have trusted mentors in my life advising very different things. And no, I haven’t prayed about it nearly as much as I should have….because, like the Israelites, I’m afraid.

I’m not going to spell it all out here. And honestly, I’m looking for prayers a whole lot more than advice. Suffice it to say, I am amazed at the courage of the woman in Luke 8:43-48 for holding onto hope for 12 years of suffering without a solution.

In my case, I have probably spent more money on health these past months than my parents ever spent on other medical issues for me during the rest of my life (not counting orthodontia as a medical issue). Medical doctors have run a wide variety of tests and haven’t come up with a biological reason for my insomnia. I’ve seen two psychiatrists and a counselor and am now part of an accountability group, trying to find answers from the mental/emotional/spiritual side, as depression & insomnia manifested their ugliness together for me. I’ve gone the prescription medication route. I’m trying the natural/homeopathic route. So far, there has been no easy solution.

When I came out to Portland, I procrastinated finding someone here to help manage my medication, because I had a long supply & was doing well. God used a rough week as a catalyst to get me back on track trying to find a road to healing. I’m thankful to have an appointment with a Christian psychiatric nurse who is qualified to manage my medication and who also, by God’s perfect plan, has experience with treating insomnia & hormonal imbalances. Unfortunately, the soonest I could get in to see her is Nov. 15^th. And so I wait, learning to practice trusting God in the meantime. It’s been a hard road, but HE IS FAITHFUL—ALWAYS.

Thank you to everyone who I know cares & prays for me!!! I literally couldn’t have made it through this year without God using you in my life as His tools to encourage & uphold me in my weakness. I share my journey with you for HIS glory (2 Cor. 4, especially vs. 6-8).

Fear or Trust

This afternoon, I stopped by a friend’s house for a few minutes. On her radio, I overheard something about “3 Republicans and 3 Democrats” and a vacancy. Probably because my subconscious had heard more than that, I immediately wondered if one of the U.S. Supreme Court justices had passed away. But the radio went on to other things, and I wasn’t sure. When I opened Facebook shortly after coming back to my house, I found that yes, Justice Scalia had died.

The first thing I saw indicating the news was this blog post shared by a friend. It makes a most excellent point. It is so easy for all of us (all over the world!) to put so much of our hope and even faith in government leaders. It's so easy for us to fear when it looks like things may not go the way we wish they would.

I feel it in myself as I consider the American presidential elections. I see it in my sisters and brothers here as they prepare for Thursday's Ugandan general elections. The tension of not knowing how things will turn out; the knowledge that the results of the elections will impact our nations and our lives for the next few years.

Because we're not God, we cannot see the future. And when our eyes are fixed on earthly things, the ‘unknown’ can so easily overwhelm us. But God calls us to fix our eyes on JESUS - the Lord who is on His throne, whose enemies will be made His foot stool (our sermon this morning was from Heb. 1:4-14, about that very thing).

This morning in church, talking about the upcoming elections, one of our Ugandan elders took us to Isaiah 33:22. It reads, "For the Lord is our Judge, The Lord is our Lawgiver, The Lord is our King; He will save us." This covers all the areas of government - the courts, the legislative, and the executive. In all these areas, God is the Ultimate. And He is the one who saves us, not any political leaders. There is no part of anything that is outside of God's hands.

And yes, God calls us to pray for our leaders, that they will be godly. Yes, I believe we should practice the privilege and right we have to vote (I just sent my mail-in ballot for the Texas primary elections back with a team!). But all of that should flow out of a heart that is at peace, knowing that God is in control; not out of a heart of fear.

And even if Uganda were to explode into riots following the results of Thursday's election; even if the ‘worst candidate’ were to be elected president of the United States – that's part of God's plan. He allowed it. And He will use it for His glory and purposes, which include our good. That's what He promises. We do not need to fear.

Fear has been on my mind a lot, especially the last couple months. Below is part of my most recent email newsletter to my prayer supporters, which discussed the same topic.

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I don’t know about you, but it is SO very easy for me to fall into the many traps of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of disapproval. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of the stranger (a man) who met me in the nearby village and then came to New Hope looking for me; who got my number somehow and called me, wanting to meet up.

Over the past two years, I have also witnessed what a snare fear can be to my Ugandan brothers and sisters. Sometimes, it seems as though fear is their primary motivator. Fear of the ‘big man.’ Fearing to leave a knife outside, because an attacker may come and use it to hurt you. Fear of snakes, insects, lizards, owls.

In the past few weeks, we here at Kasana have had an object lesson in fear. A health alert came through, after a couple of our kids and staff tested positive for a disease. Based on initial information, some leaders announced that extreme caution was needed (no shaking hands or hugging) and that every person on site needed to be screened and vaccinated against this disease.

As a result, people were naturally apprehensive and worried. One of the people who had tested positive did not feel physically ill at all, but was “heartsick” because of fearing the disease.

On a personal level, I fell victim too: I was fearful and worried. On one hand, my vaccination was possibly no longer effective (too old). On the other hand, when I had gone in for a physical while in Dallas the doctor had been concerned about the results of one of the routine blood tests. She had called me back in, mentioning that she was going to also test for the same disease that was now apparently circulating our campus. I had given the resample the day before I flew out, and not received the results yet.

But most of us had over-reacted. As more experts’ opinions were sought, the situation no longer appeared so dire. The ways of contacting the disease were much fewer than we had first been led to believe. Another communication to staff was made, scaling back the level of concern and encouraging people to live their lives normally.

The fear had already taken root, however. Especially for those who had tested positive, now bearing that weight of concern even though they felt fine.

Why is it that we so easily open up our hearts and minds to the seeds of fear? Why is it that we so quickly forget or disregard the faithfulness and trust-worthiness of our God? Why do we fear?

As I mentioned at the beginning of this section – it’s not just about things like a disease. There are so very many other areas of our lives in which we often allow fear to shape and control our thoughts and actions.

We – no, I waste so much of my time and energy worrying about things that are held squarely in the hands of our GOOD Father God. Even if I were horribly sick with this disease – that wouldn’t change His goodness one bit. It also wouldn’t change the fact that He is in control and allows all things for His purposes!!!

This month has reminded me over and over, once again, that I need to be consciously submitting my whole life to God – trusting HIM and His plan. It has also shown me again how much I must be on guard against the fear that so easily ensnares me. I pray that it does the same for my brothers and sisters!

Oh, and I tested negative when I was screened here. The repeated blood work in Dallas also came back perfectly normal. So in this case, there was no reason for me to be so afraid.

Remember, Esther, that “perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18-19). Remember Who holds all things. Trust Him!

How Long, O Lord?

As a middle-class, urban, citizen of the U.S.A., I have led a very sheltered life. This time I’m not talking about the cultural sheltering, though I was that too. I’m talking about being sheltered from the hurt and pain, from the needs and hungers of the vast majority of the world outside the comfort of “home.”

Sure, I lived in China for more than six months and saw people who swept the streets, probably as their only source of income. But I was only 12 at the time, still pretty happy-go-lucky. I don’t remember it ever affecting me very deeply. Sure, I’ve seen homeless people on the downtown streets of Hollywood, Washington D.C., and Dallas. That can definitely be a picture of true need, and I have wrestled with how to respond. But here I’m talking about something more.

Here I’m talking about living in the African bush, in the rural setting of a third-world country. Where life is so immensely different than what I enjoyed growing up.

Even in China, I only thought it was inconvenient that the washing machines were on the first floor when we lived on the second floor. I only remember one day that the power went off—and we knew it would be off ahead of time. I was sometimes annoyed that I had to use a squatty potty when we were out and about.

The past three months, I have learned to live in an entirely different way. When nature calls, I usually have to walk to a pit latrine—no seat to sit on there. I haven’t seen a washing machine or microwave in the time I’ve been here. Power is off around half the time. Almost everything—plowing, mowing the grass, shelling maize—is done either by hand or with simple hand-powered machines.

But these are minor inconveniences compared to what I really sat down to write about.

Two weeks into my stay here, a friend sent an email asking about disease and illiteracy here. At that point, it made me mad. I was almost exclusively seeing the beauty: the beauty of a culture which remembers how to live in community so much better than most Americans; the beauty of living again out in the countryside rather than feeling somewhat stifled by the big city; the beauty of feeling at home, even in a new place with new people, because it is a common Love which brought us together; even the beauty of the fantastic variety of birds I observed within days.

And it is true. There is an amazing amount of beauty here. God is at work here, of course, and He naturally has people here who seek to love and serve Him. I definitely believe there are so many things the people here “get” that our comfortable lives (or at least mine) “back home” make it easy to lose sight of.

In the subsequent 10 weeks, though, it hasn’t been all a bed of roses.

I have heard people at meals talking about how they had to run, run, run when soldiers came to their villages and started shooting.

I have seen a mother and daughter who come to church every Sunday in the same clothes…perhaps because they have no others. Their hair is not black, but a reddish color that I have read is evidence of malnutrition.

I have heard that parents here simply expect to lose one of their children to death by disease.

I have seen a toddler, usually full of life of laughter, lying almost motionless on a couch. His body, burning with fever; his breath shallow and labored. His parents stand by, seeming unsure of what to do because they have already taken him to the clinic and what they were given hasn’t helped.

I have heard stories of boda boda accidents, where men have been lying on the ground obviously injured badly. That sometimes people just keep driving by them, because if they stop and try to help they may just get blamed for the accident.

I have seen a ja ja (grandmother/elderly lady)—who can walk only slowly, slowly—gently lower herself to sit in the slim shade of a telephone pole to try and get out of the hot sun.

I have heard about the superstitions that are so deeply ingrained into peoples’ minds, even Christians. That if an owl perches in a tree over your house, somebody will die. That if you step over a pile of items arranged for witchcraft, something bad will happen to you.

I have seen masses and masses of people going about their daily lives in Kampala or even in Luwero and wondered on a deeper level than ever before if they have heard about the love of Jesus. {In the States, it’s easier to assume that the general population has had the chance to hear the Good News, in some form or fashion.}

I have heard stories of the death of parents or grandparents, or of poverty from widowhood, or of abandonment, or of broken families. And it could possibly be because I live at a ministry dedicated to helping those who have experienced losses such as these….but I can’t recall hearing a single person’s family history that didn’t include some sort of loss.

I have seen a young lady who wanted to go into the medical profession. But her parents died, and she had to drop out of school halfway through secondary school (high school) and take a low-paying job working at a hotel to maybe get enough money for tuition to go back.

I have heard a Ugandan say it’s true that if you’re in a boat that sinks you’ve got to dive down, swim as far away as you can, and wait until everybody who can’t swim has panicked and drowned before you swim back to find something to float on. Because if you try to help, they’ll just pull you down and you’ll die too.

I have seen that life here seems cheap. That death is easier to talk about plainly than in the States. That there is less sugar coating. No guarantee of treatment at a clean hospital with even basic modern equipment. Here, serious disease and subsequent death are a part of daily/community life, as contradictory as that sounds.

And as I have seen and heard all these things, my heart has wept and cried out to the Lord. “God, don’t You see this????? Don’t You hear the suffering of Your creation?” In my sheltered, developed-world upbringing, I have never been confronted with such a widespread view of the effects that sin and evil have brought into the world.

But in one of the moments of crying out late in January, I sensed the Spirit’s voice speaking truth back into my heart: A reminder that…as strange as it seems to us…God’s withholding of the end of time and suffering is actually part of His mercy. That even the pain that occurs is not yet put to an end because He is still calling people to Himself.

The call is to trust Him and His goodness, even when our human minds don’t see that goodness or grace in the pain.

In the past month or so, I saw this quote posted on Facebook: "Underneath our anger is a certain mistrust of God. Somewhere along the way we stopped believing that God is a God of love and justice. If we truly believed that our lives, our hopes and our dreams were in God's hands we wouldn't be quite so shocked when imperfect people hurt us or let us down."[1] It actually comes from a book about marriage, and it’s referring to a more specific pain than I’m writing about here….but the truth of it remains.

Whether I can understand it right now or not, God IS a God of love, and His character is as the One who is “just and the justifier,” even when He passes over sin in His forbearance (Romans 3:25-26). It is only through confidence in the One who brings beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3) that I can face the brokenness of the world.

And as I prayed for the youngest member of our Institute family, that little boy lying there so sick, I felt God asking me to pray with confidence and yet also with humility. Because in the end, He is the one who knows all things. He is the only One who knows what is eternally best for each person. And yes, I am immensely thankful that God brought healing to the little one. But God would be just as sovereign and just as good, even if He had called that little child home.

Several weeks later, this is one of the puzzle pieces God brought together with some others to create a picture calling me into deeper trust of Him. You can read about that here.

So I don’t have answers to the questions about what I am supposed to do about the hurt and brokenness I see. I do know I am called to love and service for my Lord. But even if I did everything I possibly could…even if I were a real-life superhero…I could not eradicate poverty or suffering. Only God can do that, and right now He is not finished with the world yet. Which means there is still greater good and glory which can come from it.

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[1] Susie Larson, Alone in Marriage, Moody Publishers (2007), pg. 24.

Jan. 23 CQI - Developing a Spiritual Rule (Webb S.1, Pt.1)

Our reading for that day came from a booklet written by Christopher Webb and printed by Renovare.

Claim 1: Webb takes the six streams of Christian tradition from Foster and makes them into categories for the shaping of a rule of life. He says, “as our passions and character are aligned with those of Jesus, so we increasingly become intentional about expressing each of these aspects of his life in our walk with him” (pg. 7). I took Integrated Theology last semester, and we read parts of Foster’s Streams of Living Water to cover the spiritual formation section. Foster seemed to be much more focused on providing a  descriptive look at these six areas, while Webb is seeking to turn them into a prescriptive guide for creating Christ-likeness in our lives. I don’t know if I just don’t remember correctly or if this was actually the case with Foster. At any rate, while I really enjoyed reading Foster’s book (particularly the Sacramental section), I can’t say it changed anything in my life. I’m hoping Webb will be otherwise.

Claim 2: Gradual change is more effective than sudden shifts. As Webb writes, “You are far more likely to successfully build a modest rhythm of prayer into your day than to utterly reorganize your life around hours of devotion” (pg. 9). He later provides an example of this by discussing how his almost simplistic rule of life has “had a profound impact on every important area” of his life (p. 13). I can certainly see the wisdom and common sense in Webb’s statement. But I don’t like having to keep working at something. I am much more of a pendulum person. My tendency is to attempt making a drastic change, get it all taken care of, and have it done–crossed off my checklist! I don’t naturally like being in a gradual process.

Question 1: Given Mulholland’s definition of spiritual formation (the part about “for the sake of others”), why is it that the monastic desert fathers tend to be so revered? Their idea of holy living frequently lacked the horizontal plane of interaction. They often tried as hard as they could to never be around people, though that was typically a difficult task because people would try to flock to them. Webb describes Anthony’s life – he tried “to strip away every distraction this world had to offer so he could seek God with his whole heart” (pg. 4). Clearly, that sounds like a noble and good ambition. And his commitment was admirable. But what happened to “for the sake of others”? From later parts of the chapter, Webb clearly believes in being in relationship with other people. But when I read this early bit on Anthony it just made me wonder why it is that we tend to put monastics on such a pedestal? If we look at it holistically, they were, in some ways, trying to be very selfish in their holiness. I am certainly prone to do the same as an introvert – so it’s a good reminder to me to be aware of that.

Insight 1: “Every day we live is like a miniature picture of our whole life…” (pg. 4). This was a really important point for me to hear. As I mentioned in class, what I actually do with my time is frequently quite different than what I would say my Rule of Life is. I need to remember and to seek to live out the fact that my daily, moment by moment choices are what shapes who I am in fact.

Insight 2: As a recovering practitioner of Christian legalism, I greatly appreciated the way in which he differentiated between commands/regulations and the guiding principle of the quest for a regula vita which he advocates (pg. 5). It’s like he said. If we want to shape our life to a particular pattern, it is very helpful to have a ruler to guide our pencil. Without it, our shape is much more likely to not match what we had in mind. BOTH flexibility AND guidelines – a balance that is so much fun to try to maintain for an extreme perfectionist just barely beginning to recover, like me!

Jan. 21 CQI - Into the Image of Christ, For the Sake of Others (Mul. Ch. 3-4)

Claim 1: Mulholland argues that the culture around us tries to fit us all into the same mold, and that the image of Christ does not treat us that way. “It is only in Christ that we find our individuality,” he wrote (pg. 34). I don’t know quite why this strikes me as a new idea. It makes sense that the God who created each one of us uniquely with an individual set of gifts and talents would want us to develop in that. Maybe my thought process wasn’t consciously reaching that conclusion because of the tendency to attempt to follow set formulas for spiritual formation. Or maybe because it seems as though Christ would have one image to which we must all conform. But instead, “We become compassionate persons in an infinite variety of models. We love and serve like Jesus in unique ways” (pg. 34).

Claim 2: God does not force that process of transformation upon us. This is one of those things that we’ve all heard is true, and Mulholland simply reiterates it. It’s also something I often wish weren’t true. I wish God would knock the fleshly me out of the way and just fix me up the way I ought to be. But instead, He asks us to surrender to Him, calling us to join Him in partnership with His work in our lives. This is part of the individuality thing. God is not trying to make all of us into cookie cutter versions of Himself. Instead, He takes individual people through a process, based partly on their willingness to offer “a consecration, a release of ourselves to God at each point of our unlikeness to Christ” (pg. 38).

Question 1: What are the ways in which I am practically carrying out the transformation of Christ in my life? I am to be looking more like Him in my relationships with others, as Mulholland said (pg. 42). It’s so much easier to focus on my inner self and to simply hold onto everything I’m learning and experiencing. But that’s not why it has been entrusted to me! I am to carry it further out to others – how am I to measure and practice that without it becoming a rote, legalistic practice? Well, that’s partly dependent on whether or not I am allowing God’s love to fill and overflow from my life. Because when I am truly participating in Christ’s love, I won’t be able to help but share it with others.

Insight 1: God picks the places of our life that our unlike Christ to work on (pg. 37) and furthermore, these parts of us are not some sort of parasite that must simply be plucked off the surface…they are a deeply embedded part of who we are (pg. 38). Both of these things make perfect sense – it’s just that we don’t typically think of it that way, probably because it’s prone to be discouraging. We don’t like that God picks our worst places to be most heavily at work. This is probably in part because we want to be able to think we are doing a pretty fair job of it on our own, with just a touch of helpfulness now and then. But the fact is that the problem is far too deeply engrained within us for us to ever be able to root out the problem on our own. Taking up our cross requires death because we must daily die to ourselves in order to become more like Christ (pg. 38).

Insight 2: God doesn’t just call us to some theoretical learning about being like Christ. He calls us to live it out through the practice of loving other people (pg. 43). I think this would definitely be a potential weakness of the monastic movement. By being so cut off from all the other people in the world, they can be acting in a very selfish manner. They are entirely focused on themselves and being changed inside. But if that is never carried out in the real world by interacting with those who need to receive God’s love, it is purposeless. God does not desire a relationship with us merely so that we attain some sort of perfection, but so that we can bring Him glory by living out His love in relationship with others!

"Here I Am" - A Spiritual Biography

In high school, I would have told you that in some senses I’ve always been a Christian. I have spent most of my life in an almost exclusively Christian environment. It took me some time, however, before I began to take personal ownership of my faith, allowing God be at work in my life instead of me making my life perfect for God. Due to my personality and the way I grew up, my early spirituality was based a lot on theological knowledge and not much on religious experience.

One night in February of 2000 (age 9.5), our family read a devotional based on 1 Peter 2:24, “He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree.” I recognized for the first time the weight of my sin and the great cost of Christ’s redemption. I started crying. I had previously prayed a prayer of repentance, as many young Christian kids do (I don’t remember it), but that night my dad read Acts 2:38 to me. In that moment, I felt a call to respond by being baptized, which I did a couple months later.

In 2002, my life changed (age 12). Our family decided to teach at a Chinese university for a year. I loved our time in China. While there, I witnessed the other foreign teachers worshipping and experiencing God in a different way than I had ever known. Somehow, God became more real to me there, and I learned experientially that He wanted to be involved in our lives.

In September 2003 (age 13), we were starting to get settled back into our normal lives – new job, new house. But within a month that fairytale blew up in a complex explosion that is still painful to me. Long story short, there was an ugly church split. My dad also lost his job, and was severely under-employed for two years. I ended up holding onto bitterness and anger toward Dad and God.

Last night, as I was thinking about that period of my life, I realized I expected God to fix it all. I believed He could, and would. When things got worse instead of better, I unconsciously began to doubt and question God’s goodness, I guess. I had never before seen sin and evil so wreck a community of believers. I don’t know exactly how to explain the correlation, but it created some sort of break down in my relationship with God. That, combined with the need I’ve felt all my life to earn love and favor by making sure I meet people's expectations, developed in me a twisted picture of spirituality.

I had tons of head knowledge about God, and from the outside I looked like a really good Christian kid. But inside, I was a mess. I trusted no one, no one felt safe. I wasn’t willing to admit the brokenness inside. There were numerous nights when I would cry in my room, not understanding why I felt the way I did. I was so hungry for a relationship with God, like I had tasted in China. But I could never feel Him – He seemed distant and I knew that couldn’t be His fault, so it must be because of sin in my life. I just wanted to die and be done with having to fight to have a right relationship with Him. That is the overarching memory of my spiritual journey between 2003 and 2009 – pain and unfulfilled hunger.

Coming to JBU (August 2009) was the best thing that ever happened to me. God knew exactly where I needed to be for Him to do His work in my life. Through a variety of new worship experiences, He started breaking outside of the careful boxes I had packed Him into. Then on January 25, 2011, He changed everything. By His grace alone, I finally came to truly know that I didn’t need to earn His approval because He gave it freely as a gift. He revealed His overwhelming love, and He reoriented my whole life.

Since that day two years ago, there have still been plenty of ups and downs. But always underlying has been a deeper, more real knowledge God accepts me. That He loves me no matter what. That His call is to trust, not to understand; to accept grace, not to work to deserve it. And though my spiritual life is still very much a journey, I now know that He is at work and that He will not leave me alone. He is faithful, and He works in His time and His ways. Praise be to His name, Amen.

{To read more about my more recent spiritual learning, start here and read more at my spiritual blog.}

Jan. 14 CQI - Personality's role in spirituality (Mul. ch. 5-6)

Claim 1: Mulholland argues (p. 50) that individual Christians are unable to achieve holistic spiritual health on their own, apart from active participation in the corporate body of Christ. This makes perfect sense to me logically, but as a super strong introvert, I tend to attempt just that – to look for everything I need within myself rather than being willing to rely on the (sometimes undependable) help of others. If I open myself up to relying on others, I am no longer in complete control (oh, there comes the judgment part!! [see "question 1" below]), and that is not comfortable for me.

Claim 2: People tend to begin viewing their personal preferences as the best or only way of going about things (p. 55; ch. 6). This is definitely true of me…. I think it is partly because people like me don’t want to admit our own weaknesses. If we recognize the value in other ways of doing things, it could potentially open the door to needing to be willing to be flexible in how we typically act and make choices. And that’s not always fun! Which leads right into the whole shadow thing he talks about.

Question 1: How much of me is the way it is because of how I was raised? Who am I really? (p. 62) I know I’m a super strong “I” and a strong “J,” but it is much harder for me to figure out if I’m an N/S or an F/T. I can see myself going both ways on both of them, and from some of the reading we did in this chapter I would keep flip flopping on what I think my natural self likes most. It’s hard to figure out how much of the way I practically approach these two is nature vs. nurture. (see below for more on this)

Insight 1: From the description on pg. 52, I had put myself down as an F because of the “need to please others” bit, even though my test results from the night before had put me as a T. But then I got to pg. 58, and his description of thinking people’s tendency to be “more ‘theological,’ more analytical and structural in their spirituality” fit me….well…to a “T.” As I’m sure I’ll talk about in my “Here I am” paper for Wednesday, my relationship with God in high school was definitely “slight[ing] the affective, emotional aspects of [my] relationship with God,” even though I felt a deep need and hunger for that. It’s like I was missing something and didn’t know how to fill the void I felt (see also pg. 60).

Insight 2: The “disintegration” of my one-sided spirituality between my thinking and feeling tendencies definitely led to some stagnation (pg. 63), as mentioned above. I was a super good kid – I memorized multiple whole books of the Bible for Bible Quizzing, knew a lot of the “right answers” about theology, read my Bible cover to cover when I was 11-12 years old, etc. But it was all a façade – It covered up a heart that was so hungry for a real relationship. I was dying of starvation for the feelings of love. I knew with my head that God loved me. The thinking side of me had that box clearly checked off. But I guess I was trying to sweep the feeling cravings under the rug – like I didn’t think that’s what a relationship with God was supposed to/could include. Until that day when God in His GRACE unexplainedly reached down and began pouring out His love into my life – but you’ll have to wait until Wednesday to read more about that.  :D

Anyway, going back up to the question I had earlier….I think a big part of this whole issue was that I was raised in a very conservative family that was not at all comfortable with the more charismatic practices of Christianity. The active, personal experience of God’s love and presence was mostly lacking from my life before I came to college. I think that’s because the kind of experiences I’ve had since are kind of scary to people who are trying to fit God into a system of boxes. It doesn’t feel safe to have emotional, affective experiences. And so we avoided them. There are still times I’m not sure what to do with certain things about charismatic practices. But I just keep praying to God that He would guide me into what is true of HIM – that my spirituality would not try to keep Him in some artificial box, but also that I would not start practicing in ways that are not true to His character. Sometimes all I can do is trust Him to be faithful to not allow a heart yearning for Him to go astray.

HO Week 4 (9/16) - Calling

The Story of My Life

Anabel stared up at the mountain peak, just one of a whole range stretching as far as she could see. For days, this view had been on her horizon—threatening her goal by blocking her path. It was as though the mountains knew exactly what she wanted and were laughing at their ability to keep her from attaining it. How long ago had she started on this journey? The weeks and months of toil were blending together…and now suddenly it seemed to be at an end, here at the foot of an insurmountable obstacle.

Each one of us has ambitions. Each has a journey which has brought us to where we now stand. But we rarely see our lives like we see stories. Stories have meaning in every moment—there is rarely a wasted scene in a book or a movie. Thus, we look at our day-to-day existence and think it’s boring. This is the idea Donald Miller wrote A Million Miles in a Thousand Years to combat.

At the risk of sounding “over-saved,” I can honestly say that my main pursuit in life at this moment is to live the life God would have me to live. I know that the best life I could ever live is the one God has planned out for me. He has been reminding me all year that I can trust Him. Sure, I have ideas of the things I would like to do. But if they’re not in God’s plan, He’s teaching me that I can lay them down on the altar. He is my Master, I am His slave.

My life is a conglomeration of many typical story plots…and some which are very unusual. I’ve been impacted by the “good kid from a Christian family” story – the “homeschooled” story – the “love nature & the outdoors” story – the “mid-income, non-extravagant lifestyle” story. Those don’t make me too unique…but then there’s the “I lived in China with my family for seven months when I was in 6^th grade” story. While it was a long time ago…while I was rather young…while I don’t think about it every day…still, this story has had a huge impact on me. God uses all of the stories He has written into each person’s life to create a book that is beautiful, special, and unique. I can trust Him, knowing that each piece of the puzzle that is “me” fits together to create a picture of the “me” He has had in mind from eternity past.

HO Week 3 (9/9) - Calling

[We're reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and the prompt was to write about a scene of our life depicting a single memory]

Life as a Movie

June 22, 2003—I remember the day well. It was a Sunday morning unlike any of the past 36 Sunday mornings. That morning, I walked through the doors of my home church for the first time in nine months. {I had not been there while my family and I lived in China.}

There was one thing I wanted to do more than anything else – see my best friend, who had promised to email me every day and had faithfully done so. Glimpsing her walking in the hallway, I moved to intercept her. Evidently she had seen me when I saw her, because she had rushed into the auditorium just as I slipped out. She chased me down and we reunited in a joyful hug there in the hallway.

I can still see it in my mind’s eye – I can still remember my almost euphoric happiness that things had finally reached a conclusion – I can still point to the exact spot where it happened. There have been times since when the building has been deserted that I have returned to the spot and relived that moment. For me, it brought the saga of my Chinese experience full circle. Now, at last, I felt truly home.

Those feelings are what make the moment stick in my mind. The relationship and kinship I felt with my friend are what gave those brief moments poignancy. There was a period of time, however, when the memory was bittersweet – when the happiness of the time was dulled by the regret of the present.

A couple years after our reunion, my friend and I had pretty much gone our separate ways. We still saw each other, but I no longer counted her as a close friend. Just this summer, thanks to her initiation, we finally reconnected on a deep level. Suddenly, I again feel that close bond I felt with her so long ago, and I am thankful. It’s a reminder that things don’t always stay the way they are…but that I shouldn’t give up easily on something good either.

Questions about Chapters 1-10:

1. On page 7, Miller says "You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience." What do you think of this theologically? I just heard something else like this today...maybe in Integrated Theology...about how God became incarnated to share our experience of life with us.

2. "Without story, experience are just random," Steve tells Don (27). Later, Miller talks about a man who changed his daughter's heart towards him through story. "He realized he hadn't provided a better role for his daughter. He hadn't mapped out a story for his family" (51). We clearly don't want our lives to be meaningless, but to what extent should we try to plan/map out the story of our lives? How does God fit into this picture?