God's Pursuit of Me, Part 1

I’ve been wanting to write this blog post for about a month. Warning, there’s lots of pieces involved…so it will probably be long!! {Edit: It will actually be a short (possibly!?) series of posts}

Last month as part of our Servant Teams training, we talked about the concept of Missio Dei, which describes the person of God Himself, as an outwardly-moving, lovingly-pursuing God.

As I wrote in my email newsletter,

“When you read the phrase, 'the Pursuit of God,' what is the first thought that comes to your mind? Because that simple phrase can be taken two ways, to mean two very different things. 

Option 1: We pursue relationship with God through reading the Bible, praying, attending church, etc.
Option 2: God has pursued and continues pursing relationship with us--primarily by incarnationally moving onto our turf and by speaking through His Spirit and His Word to our hearts. 

Talking about this topic in our training made me reflect back. In my childhood up through high school, I think I was more focused on option one, at least in the 'once I'm a Christian' sense. But sometime in the past 10 years, God opened my eyes and shifted my perspective. He's not sitting up in heaven waiting on us to respond to Jesus and come to Him. The Good Shepherd is out in the wide world, constantly searching for the hearts of His people--throughout their whole lives.”

So when Mandee asked us to draw a picture about the Pursuit of God before she started talking about it, this is what came out of my heart & soul:

At the end of our training on Missio Dei, Mandee gave us an assignment: To create an art piece showing three ways that God has pursued us in our life. Within a couple of minutes, I had jotted down a brief outline in my notes of what I wanted to do for my piece. The actual execution of it took most of a weekend, and some extra bits got added, even after presenting it to my class—but this is the finished project which came out of that assignment:

So the rest of this series I’m going to give you the back story behind each element. Because although I enjoyed being artsy and creating this, I’m still a writer first and foremost :D

But first, a caveat: I talked in my newsletter about how pre-college Esther heard “pursuit of God” and thought of herself pursuing God. So my art piece focuses on life after I began realizing that really, God pursues me. That does NOT mean that God never pursued my heart when I was a child. He definitely did!!! Maybe another time I’ll write more about that. But as far as my conscious recognition of God pursuing me, that has been more in the past 10 years.

Element 1: Heart Unshackled

This section could be a whole blog post!! And maybe someday I will do that. But I’m going to try to keep it short here.

I’ve come to realize that at a relatively young age, I built a castle wall / tower cell around my heart. Instead of sharing with people how I was feeling and how things were affecting me, I started bottling it all up inside. This was at its worst during my “spiritual dark ages” of middle school/high school.

God was still lovingly pursuing me even through that dark period of my life. But it wasn’t until the second half of high school that I learned I could write (as God’s gifting) and that writing was the easiest way to give voice to what was in my heart. And it wasn’t until God took me away from everything familiar to attend college a five-hour drive away from home that I was able to start recognizing the poor relational habits I had towards God and towards those close to me.

A couple weeks ago, during some prayer closet time, I suddenly realized that God has always used times of taking me outside {usually WAY outside} of my familiar atmosphere/comfort zone to do the most work of growth/change/refinement in me. In a lot of ways that makes sense, I had just never quite phrased it in my head before.

China. World Views class. Moving away to college. Going to Uganda. Coming to Portland.

Each of those major life shifts have brought about major changes and growth opportunities, and I am thankful!! But that’s kind of a tangent….! :)

So I went to college, not realizing that my heart was shackled away in a high, dark cell of loneliness and not letting anyone see the REAL me. And I was tired….tired of acting and trying to put on the right outward mask.

Then one day in chapel, Paraclete spoke GRACE deeply, deeply into my heart:

“What you do is not a question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift, based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no matter what.”

You can read more about the context/ramifications in this other blog post. But this is the picture He gave me in that moment:

I have carried that picture in my heart for seven and a half years, but had never tried to put it onto paper. When this art project came up, I knew it was time. Time to pull out all the stops, finding images online, tracing them in Illustrator, putting it all together to show what God did in my heart that day.

I know, there’s a word there that most of you don’t recognize – Kisakye. That word wasn’t part of the original picture, because I didn’t know it until years later, in Uganda. Kisakye is the Luganda word for Grace, and is what I took for myself as my “Ugandan name.”

The beauty of God’s Grace has continued to be such an important heart concept for me over these past years. I’m still learning to apply it to my life…it can be hard for me to accept Grace rather than staying shackled in the cell of my own expectations and demands on myself. But God continues to faithfully work this in my heart! And I am thankful.

Well….I think I am a bit written out for the time being. There is more I could say about that heart picture, but maybe some other day. For now, it’s time to get ready for a day at UGM. I will come back another time to explain the other elements of my art piece!

Fear or Trust

This afternoon, I stopped by a friend’s house for a few minutes. On her radio, I overheard something about “3 Republicans and 3 Democrats” and a vacancy. Probably because my subconscious had heard more than that, I immediately wondered if one of the U.S. Supreme Court justices had passed away. But the radio went on to other things, and I wasn’t sure. When I opened Facebook shortly after coming back to my house, I found that yes, Justice Scalia had died.

The first thing I saw indicating the news was this blog post shared by a friend. It makes a most excellent point. It is so easy for all of us (all over the world!) to put so much of our hope and even faith in government leaders. It's so easy for us to fear when it looks like things may not go the way we wish they would.

I feel it in myself as I consider the American presidential elections. I see it in my sisters and brothers here as they prepare for Thursday's Ugandan general elections. The tension of not knowing how things will turn out; the knowledge that the results of the elections will impact our nations and our lives for the next few years.

Because we're not God, we cannot see the future. And when our eyes are fixed on earthly things, the ‘unknown’ can so easily overwhelm us. But God calls us to fix our eyes on JESUS - the Lord who is on His throne, whose enemies will be made His foot stool (our sermon this morning was from Heb. 1:4-14, about that very thing).

This morning in church, talking about the upcoming elections, one of our Ugandan elders took us to Isaiah 33:22. It reads, "For the Lord is our Judge, The Lord is our Lawgiver, The Lord is our King; He will save us." This covers all the areas of government - the courts, the legislative, and the executive. In all these areas, God is the Ultimate. And He is the one who saves us, not any political leaders. There is no part of anything that is outside of God's hands.

And yes, God calls us to pray for our leaders, that they will be godly. Yes, I believe we should practice the privilege and right we have to vote (I just sent my mail-in ballot for the Texas primary elections back with a team!). But all of that should flow out of a heart that is at peace, knowing that God is in control; not out of a heart of fear.

And even if Uganda were to explode into riots following the results of Thursday's election; even if the ‘worst candidate’ were to be elected president of the United States – that's part of God's plan. He allowed it. And He will use it for His glory and purposes, which include our good. That's what He promises. We do not need to fear.

Fear has been on my mind a lot, especially the last couple months. Below is part of my most recent email newsletter to my prayer supporters, which discussed the same topic.

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I don’t know about you, but it is SO very easy for me to fall into the many traps of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of disapproval. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of the stranger (a man) who met me in the nearby village and then came to New Hope looking for me; who got my number somehow and called me, wanting to meet up.

Over the past two years, I have also witnessed what a snare fear can be to my Ugandan brothers and sisters. Sometimes, it seems as though fear is their primary motivator. Fear of the ‘big man.’ Fearing to leave a knife outside, because an attacker may come and use it to hurt you. Fear of snakes, insects, lizards, owls.

In the past few weeks, we here at Kasana have had an object lesson in fear. A health alert came through, after a couple of our kids and staff tested positive for a disease. Based on initial information, some leaders announced that extreme caution was needed (no shaking hands or hugging) and that every person on site needed to be screened and vaccinated against this disease.

As a result, people were naturally apprehensive and worried. One of the people who had tested positive did not feel physically ill at all, but was “heartsick” because of fearing the disease.

On a personal level, I fell victim too: I was fearful and worried. On one hand, my vaccination was possibly no longer effective (too old). On the other hand, when I had gone in for a physical while in Dallas the doctor had been concerned about the results of one of the routine blood tests. She had called me back in, mentioning that she was going to also test for the same disease that was now apparently circulating our campus. I had given the resample the day before I flew out, and not received the results yet.

But most of us had over-reacted. As more experts’ opinions were sought, the situation no longer appeared so dire. The ways of contacting the disease were much fewer than we had first been led to believe. Another communication to staff was made, scaling back the level of concern and encouraging people to live their lives normally.

The fear had already taken root, however. Especially for those who had tested positive, now bearing that weight of concern even though they felt fine.

Why is it that we so easily open up our hearts and minds to the seeds of fear? Why is it that we so quickly forget or disregard the faithfulness and trust-worthiness of our God? Why do we fear?

As I mentioned at the beginning of this section – it’s not just about things like a disease. There are so very many other areas of our lives in which we often allow fear to shape and control our thoughts and actions.

We – no, I waste so much of my time and energy worrying about things that are held squarely in the hands of our GOOD Father God. Even if I were horribly sick with this disease – that wouldn’t change His goodness one bit. It also wouldn’t change the fact that He is in control and allows all things for His purposes!!!

This month has reminded me over and over, once again, that I need to be consciously submitting my whole life to God – trusting HIM and His plan. It has also shown me again how much I must be on guard against the fear that so easily ensnares me. I pray that it does the same for my brothers and sisters!

Oh, and I tested negative when I was screened here. The repeated blood work in Dallas also came back perfectly normal. So in this case, there was no reason for me to be so afraid.

Remember, Esther, that “perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18-19). Remember Who holds all things. Trust Him!

Joining Him on the Way

“Let’s get started – when the others come they will find us on the way.”

I don’t know how many times I have heard this at informal Kasana gatherings/meetings over the past year. Probably at least half a dozen.

It’s a common sentiment, stemming from “African time” – the tendency of Ugandans and others to not be on time. If you’re at a place within 15 minutes of the assigned beginning time, usually you are early. ;) At functions out in the village, if the stated start time is 10 a.m., that may be when you leave your garden to go home and bathe before walking to the meeting – you may get there at 11 and still be one of the first.

On Tuesday night I attended Vespers, an occasional evening service that gives JBU students time to quietly reflect on passages of Scripture which they read aloud together. It was the students who slipped in a minute or two late to join the other students which made me think of my Ugandan friends.

Somehow then, my mind made a jump to spiritual matters. The thought flashed through my mind that this is what every one of us has done. God started history thousands of years ago. Every one of us living now have found Him on the way. He has been working His plan and accomplishing His goals for centuries and millennia before our parents (or great great great great grandparents) ever thought of our existence. We all find Him on the way.

I couldn’t help but think a bit about what that means.

To go back to the illustration that started this train of thought: Imagine that the meeting is one discussing an elaborate plan for how to celebrate someone’s birthday. Then imagine that the person arriving over an hour after the official start of the meeting suddenly jumps in and starts expressing her ideas about what ought to be done and how to do it. If the meeting has been productive (also a Western concept – the first phase of a less formal meeting in Uganda can often be visiting and catching up on one another’s lives), then plans have quite possibly already been made – it’s just the details remaining.

I think it is easy for us humans to do something similar on the grander spiritual scale. As we grow up, we start to have our own ideas about things. By the time we are adults, we can have grand plans and Opinions about the way things ought to be.

We feel like we are responsible for coming up with what we do and what happens around us.

We forget that we joined Someone else on the way.

That He has His plans & will carry them out!

That HE is the one writing the story.

That it’s HIS story anyway.

Zachariah, Elizabeth, Mary, Joseph, Simeon, Anna: Each one of them didn’t just find God on the way – they were caught up into a plan grander than anything they could have imagined. Some had to be made to shut up so that they would listen to the plan. Others accepted it with open arms, though I’m sure they were blown away by the enormity of what they were hearing. Each one didn’t set out to make something amazing of their lives; or maybe they did, but it paled in comparison to what actually happened. Instead, they were invited to join what God was already at work doing. They didn’t just find Him on the way, He met them on the way and changed the course of their lives, and human history, FOREVER.

Obviously, I don’t believe there will ever be something exactly like that again. Never again will the eternal, omnipresent Son of God choose to fully become a helpless baby. But I think we can still learn something from this.

On a much more personal note, being here in Siloam has made me think about the “me” that first moved here more than six years ago. An Esther that thought she was going to be a political journalist. NEVER did that Esther expect that six years later she would be looking at Uganda, a distant country in Eastern Africa, as HOME for the foreseeable future. I had no idea what God was going to do. But He invited me to join Him on the way; He worked so many different things together in my life to grow me and stretch me and envision me for something that I in myself would never have seen.

He has a plan that He put into motion thousands and thousands of years ago. Each one of us finds Him on the way. But not because we were looking for Him – He finds us and calls us to join Him on THE WAY. Because it’s definitely not a journey we walk alone. We have the Godhead, each person of the Trinity, willing and eager to walk with us and guide us each step of the way. For Jesus said that He IS the way, the truth, and the life.

Come, let’s join Him on the way.