God's Pursuit of Me, Part 1

I’ve been wanting to write this blog post for about a month. Warning, there’s lots of pieces involved…so it will probably be long!! {Edit: It will actually be a short (possibly!?) series of posts}

Last month as part of our Servant Teams training, we talked about the concept of Missio Dei, which describes the person of God Himself, as an outwardly-moving, lovingly-pursuing God.

As I wrote in my email newsletter,

“When you read the phrase, 'the Pursuit of God,' what is the first thought that comes to your mind? Because that simple phrase can be taken two ways, to mean two very different things. 

Option 1: We pursue relationship with God through reading the Bible, praying, attending church, etc.
Option 2: God has pursued and continues pursing relationship with us--primarily by incarnationally moving onto our turf and by speaking through His Spirit and His Word to our hearts. 

Talking about this topic in our training made me reflect back. In my childhood up through high school, I think I was more focused on option one, at least in the 'once I'm a Christian' sense. But sometime in the past 10 years, God opened my eyes and shifted my perspective. He's not sitting up in heaven waiting on us to respond to Jesus and come to Him. The Good Shepherd is out in the wide world, constantly searching for the hearts of His people--throughout their whole lives.”

So when Mandee asked us to draw a picture about the Pursuit of God before she started talking about it, this is what came out of my heart & soul:

At the end of our training on Missio Dei, Mandee gave us an assignment: To create an art piece showing three ways that God has pursued us in our life. Within a couple of minutes, I had jotted down a brief outline in my notes of what I wanted to do for my piece. The actual execution of it took most of a weekend, and some extra bits got added, even after presenting it to my class—but this is the finished project which came out of that assignment:

So the rest of this series I’m going to give you the back story behind each element. Because although I enjoyed being artsy and creating this, I’m still a writer first and foremost :D

But first, a caveat: I talked in my newsletter about how pre-college Esther heard “pursuit of God” and thought of herself pursuing God. So my art piece focuses on life after I began realizing that really, God pursues me. That does NOT mean that God never pursued my heart when I was a child. He definitely did!!! Maybe another time I’ll write more about that. But as far as my conscious recognition of God pursuing me, that has been more in the past 10 years.

Element 1: Heart Unshackled

This section could be a whole blog post!! And maybe someday I will do that. But I’m going to try to keep it short here.

I’ve come to realize that at a relatively young age, I built a castle wall / tower cell around my heart. Instead of sharing with people how I was feeling and how things were affecting me, I started bottling it all up inside. This was at its worst during my “spiritual dark ages” of middle school/high school.

God was still lovingly pursuing me even through that dark period of my life. But it wasn’t until the second half of high school that I learned I could write (as God’s gifting) and that writing was the easiest way to give voice to what was in my heart. And it wasn’t until God took me away from everything familiar to attend college a five-hour drive away from home that I was able to start recognizing the poor relational habits I had towards God and towards those close to me.

A couple weeks ago, during some prayer closet time, I suddenly realized that God has always used times of taking me outside {usually WAY outside} of my familiar atmosphere/comfort zone to do the most work of growth/change/refinement in me. In a lot of ways that makes sense, I had just never quite phrased it in my head before.

China. World Views class. Moving away to college. Going to Uganda. Coming to Portland.

Each of those major life shifts have brought about major changes and growth opportunities, and I am thankful!! But that’s kind of a tangent….! :)

So I went to college, not realizing that my heart was shackled away in a high, dark cell of loneliness and not letting anyone see the REAL me. And I was tired….tired of acting and trying to put on the right outward mask.

Then one day in chapel, Paraclete spoke GRACE deeply, deeply into my heart:

“What you do is not a question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift, based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no matter what.”

You can read more about the context/ramifications in this other blog post. But this is the picture He gave me in that moment:

I have carried that picture in my heart for seven and a half years, but had never tried to put it onto paper. When this art project came up, I knew it was time. Time to pull out all the stops, finding images online, tracing them in Illustrator, putting it all together to show what God did in my heart that day.

I know, there’s a word there that most of you don’t recognize – Kisakye. That word wasn’t part of the original picture, because I didn’t know it until years later, in Uganda. Kisakye is the Luganda word for Grace, and is what I took for myself as my “Ugandan name.”

The beauty of God’s Grace has continued to be such an important heart concept for me over these past years. I’m still learning to apply it to my life…it can be hard for me to accept Grace rather than staying shackled in the cell of my own expectations and demands on myself. But God continues to faithfully work this in my heart! And I am thankful.

Well….I think I am a bit written out for the time being. There is more I could say about that heart picture, but maybe some other day. For now, it’s time to get ready for a day at UGM. I will come back another time to explain the other elements of my art piece!

Two Sabbath Healings

At our church here in Kasana, our pastors are preaching through the book of John. This past Sunday we were looking at the story of the man healed by the pool of Bethesda, from the first part of chapter 5.

The preacher reminded us that we must watch out for false religion, which makes us feel comfortable but actually fails to give glory & praise to God when He works in our lives.

Later in the afternoon, I spent some time journaling & reflecting, and the Holy Spirit helped me draw a contrast/see a lesson by comparing this man in John 5 and the blind man in John 9.

On Sunday morning, the Holy Spirit stopped me in the middle of a funk mood when the preacher was reading the passage, before he had ever spoken a word of his sermon. It was verses 6 & 7 that caught me: Jesus asks this man who had been an invalid for 38 years, “Do you want to be made well?” And his answer? “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”

Sitting there in church, I could suddenly see that too often I’m like that man. I want some person or some physical situation to provide the setting for healing. I want it to seem momentous.

What this man didn’t know was that The Healer was asking him this question. Jesus simply said the words, “Rise, take up your bed and walk” – and immediately this man did! After THIRTY-EIGHT YEARS. [I haven’t even been alive that long yet!!!]

But, Jesus had done a big no-no! It was the Sabbath day when He did this! And so when the Jews found this man carrying his bed, they scolded him soundly. But the man didn’t know who had healed him. Then Jesus found him in the temple, and said “See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you.” (vs. 14)

And what did the man do? Worship the one who had made him well? No, he went back to the leaders and told them it was Jesus who had healed him, and that made serious trouble for Jesus (vs. 16) – this is the first mention of the leaders wanting to kill Jesus!!!

Contrast that to the man in chapter 9.

In this case, the disciples start the conversation by asking Jesus “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus’ reply brought tears to my eyes & a catch in my voice yesterday afternoon: “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him” (vs. 3).

Then Jesus made mud, “anointed” the blind man’s eyes, and sent him to the pool of Siloam to wash.

“So [the man] went and washed, and came back seeing.” As simple as that.

But again, it was the Sabbath day. And evidently spitting on the ground is work?? Because again, this man and Jesus got in trouble with the religious leaders of the Jews. This time there was almost a whole trial – they called the man’s parents and everything to make sure he had really been born blind. The parents hedged because of a threat from the Jews (vs. 19-23).

The formerly blind man shot straight though: “One thing I know: that though I was blind, now I see.” And so they excommunicated him. But Jesus came and found him (vs. 35-58):

            “Do you believe in the Son of God?” He asked him.

            “Who is He, Lord, that I may believe in Him?”

            “You have both seen Him and it is He who is talking with you.”

            “Lord, I believe!” And he worshipped Him.

Do you see the difference? A totally different response & attitude on the part of these two men!!

But really, which one had more reason to be bitter about the years of less-than-full life, or which had reason to boast for his role in the healing?

Jesus seems to imply that the man in John 5 was sick because of some sin he had committed (vs. 14). But the John 9 man is specifically cleared from any connection between the blindness and a sin.

The John 5 man did nothing to be made well – absolutely nothing – Jesus spoke the word, and he was healed. Whereas the man in John 9 is the one who washed the mud off. If he had wanted to, he could have argued that Jesus had made things worse by smearing spit & road dirt on his eyes. His eyes didn’t open immediately, only once the man himself had washed the mud off could he see.

But look at their responses.

The man who may have been sick because of his own doing but who did nothing to heal himself is the one who shows no indication of saving belief, who instead went and ratted to the religious leaders.

But the one who was innocent of sin connected to his blindness, and who worked (in a small way) to bring about his own healing? He is the one who stood up to the religious leaders and defended Jesus’ righteousness (vs. 17, 30-33), and who worshipped & believed Jesus when he saw Him again.

Our preacher on Sunday pointed out that the John 5 man’s faith & trust were in the angel, a moving of the water, and in his own ability to get into that water first.

The man in John 9 also had faith – but it was the simple faith of hearing & obeying the instructions he was given. He somehow knew it was Jesus (vs. 11), though we don’t know how much he knew about Him. Maybe he had heard about Jesus & already believed His claim to be the Son of God. We aren’t told that, but from his fruit we can see that his faith had the right focus.

I don’t want to be like the man in John 5. I want to be more like the one of John 9.

But all too often, it’s too easy to be stuck in misplaced trust, or in the ensnarement of false religion.

May the Lord continue to heal & purify my heart!!!!

{God’s} Character and {Man’s} Responsibility

{In Institute[1] the past couple weeks, each of us had the assignment of preparing a Bible story to present to part of the class, as though we were teaching it as a Sunday school lesson to children. We could pick the story and what age range we were targeting. I wrote this with 9-12 year olds in mind. As a challenge, our presentation could only be 10 minutes.}

Today we are going to look at a story that is an example of God’s faithfulness to His people, and how important it is to trust God.

Who were God’s special people during the time of the Old Testament, before Jesus came? That’s right! The Israelites.

Now, our story for today comes from the book of Judges in the Old Testament. Does anyone know what the book of Judges is about?

God had brought Israel, His special people, into their own land – performing many miracles to do so. But the people rebelled against God—they wanted to go their own way rather than obeying God.

Do you ever do things your own way rather than how your parents tell you to do them? That is exactly what the people of Israel were doing toward God. So as a consequence, God grounded them: He turned them over to be oppressed by their enemies.

And that is where today’s story comes in. While I tell the story, I want you to listen for how God showed His faithfulness and how His people needed to trust Him, okay?

                Israel had been oppressed by a king named Jabin for 20 years. Can you imagine that? That is twice as long as some of you have been alive! Now, Jabin had a general name Sisera, and he is the bad guy you’re going to want to remember for this story.

The people of Israel were suffering, and in their suffering they cried out to God for deliverance! Because even though they had gone their own way rather than obeying God, they remembered what He had done for their grandparents and great grandparents. And you know what? God heard their prayers, because He is faithful!

                During this time, there was a special woman of God named Deborah. She was a prophetess, which means God would speak to her and reveal what He had planned for the future! Deborah was also one of the judges of Israel that this book is named after.

One day, she called for a man named Barak, and she told him: “God has commanded you to go defeat Sisera!” Now remember, Sisera was the general of the evil king oppressing Israel. But Sisera had 900 chariots in his army, along with all his soldiers!

At that time, time, having chariots was kind of like having tanks today. Do you know what tanks are like? {Our teacher’s oldest son, age 7, informed us that tanks were vehicles with missiles on them.} Israel didn’t have any chariots, they just had men to fight, maybe with swords and spears. That would be like marching to fight against tanks while only having ordinary guns! But Deborah told Barak, “God is going to deliver Sisera’s army into your hand.” How do you think Barak felt??

                I think he was kind of afraid, because Scripture says he told Deborah, “I’ll go fight, but only if you’ll come with me!” Deborah said ok, but she also told him a woman would get the honor from the battle instead of him.

Barak gathered 10,000 Israelites to go against Sisera’s army, which included those 900 chariots. The Israelites were up on a mountain, and Sisera’s army was in the valley at a river. You know what? I think Barak was still afraid and not trusting God’s promise, because Deborah had to remind him to lead his men into battle. She told him, “Has not the LORD gone out before you?”

So then Barak and his 10,000 men charged towards Sisera and his army with their 900 chariots. And God was faithful to His promise! He totally routed Sisera’s army! That means they became confused and disorganized, to that Barak and his men were able to totally defeat them. The Bible says Barak and his men killed every soldier in Sisera’s army. It was an amazing victory!

                Now, Sisera had run away from the battle because he saw things weren’t going well. He came to the tent of a man named Heber, who was an ally of Sisera’s king—so Sisera thought it would be safe to hide there!

Heber’s wife was named Jael. Jael welcomed Sisera into her tent, her home. She brought Sisera some milk to drink, and then he lay down on the ground because he was so tired from running! Jael covered him with a blanket.

Sisera thought he was safe there, so he fell asleep. But Jael had other plans. She got a tent peg, and used a hammer to drive it straight through Sisera’s head and into the ground; killing him in his sleep.

                When Barak came searching for Sisera, Jael called Barak into the tent and showed him the enemy general, dead.

Even though Jael’s husband was an ally of Sisera’s king, Jael had decided she would trust God’s deliverance of Israel and kill Sisera.

Then Deborah and Barak sang a song of victory, praising God for how He had used them and the Israelite soldiers and Jael to deliver God’s special people from the wicked king and Sisera, his general!

                So that is the story of Deborah and Barak and Jael, which you can read in Judges 4-5. Did you see God’s faithfulness to His people Israel in that story? And who displayed trust in God’s promises by their actions?

Barak was hesitant at first, but he did obey. Deborah and Jael obeyed God too! And God proved His faithfulness by delivering His people when they repented and obeyed Him!

                So how does this impact your life? Have you ever chosen to go your own way rather than following God? We all do that often times, and that is called sin. Bug God loves the people He created, and so did He prove His faithfulness to us? YES!

He sent a deliverer for us, just like He did for the people of Israel! What is our deliverer’s name? Jesus! When Jesus came from heaven to earth, died on the cross, and rose from the dead, He won total victory for us over our enemies of sin and death, forever!

Just like God promised Barak victory over Sisera, God promises us victory through the death and resurrection of His Son Jesus! And like we saw in our story today, God is faithful to keep His promises, isn’t He?

                But just like Barak had to trust God’s promises and go out to battle, so we each have to trust God’s promise that Jesus’ victory over sin and death applies to my life and to your life!

A lot of times, I find myself like Barak: afraid to go and fight the enemy of sin in my life because I am not sure whether I will win or not. But would I really be fighting alone? No!

Remember what Deborah told Barak right before the battle? I’m going to read it from the Bible, from Judges 4:14:

“Then Deborah said to Barak, ‘Up! For this is the day in which the LORD has delivered Sisera into your hand. Has not the LORD gone out before you?’”

We all need to ask God to help us have faith, and to remember that Jesus has promised us victory and goes to fight with us. Because He has already won the war for us!

And God is faithful to His promises to us, just like He was to Barak and Deborah and Jael, which means that we can trust His word to be true.

---

[1] “Institute” refers to the New Hope Institute of Childcare and Family, which is basically New Hope Uganda’s ministry foundations and philosophy taught in 20 weeks.

HO Week 4 (9/16) - Calling

The Story of My Life

Anabel stared up at the mountain peak, just one of a whole range stretching as far as she could see. For days, this view had been on her horizon—threatening her goal by blocking her path. It was as though the mountains knew exactly what she wanted and were laughing at their ability to keep her from attaining it. How long ago had she started on this journey? The weeks and months of toil were blending together…and now suddenly it seemed to be at an end, here at the foot of an insurmountable obstacle.

Each one of us has ambitions. Each has a journey which has brought us to where we now stand. But we rarely see our lives like we see stories. Stories have meaning in every moment—there is rarely a wasted scene in a book or a movie. Thus, we look at our day-to-day existence and think it’s boring. This is the idea Donald Miller wrote A Million Miles in a Thousand Years to combat.

At the risk of sounding “over-saved,” I can honestly say that my main pursuit in life at this moment is to live the life God would have me to live. I know that the best life I could ever live is the one God has planned out for me. He has been reminding me all year that I can trust Him. Sure, I have ideas of the things I would like to do. But if they’re not in God’s plan, He’s teaching me that I can lay them down on the altar. He is my Master, I am His slave.

My life is a conglomeration of many typical story plots…and some which are very unusual. I’ve been impacted by the “good kid from a Christian family” story – the “homeschooled” story – the “love nature & the outdoors” story – the “mid-income, non-extravagant lifestyle” story. Those don’t make me too unique…but then there’s the “I lived in China with my family for seven months when I was in 6^th grade” story. While it was a long time ago…while I was rather young…while I don’t think about it every day…still, this story has had a huge impact on me. God uses all of the stories He has written into each person’s life to create a book that is beautiful, special, and unique. I can trust Him, knowing that each piece of the puzzle that is “me” fits together to create a picture of the “me” He has had in mind from eternity past.

HO Week 3 (9/9) - Calling

[We're reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and the prompt was to write about a scene of our life depicting a single memory]

Life as a Movie

June 22, 2003—I remember the day well. It was a Sunday morning unlike any of the past 36 Sunday mornings. That morning, I walked through the doors of my home church for the first time in nine months. {I had not been there while my family and I lived in China.}

There was one thing I wanted to do more than anything else – see my best friend, who had promised to email me every day and had faithfully done so. Glimpsing her walking in the hallway, I moved to intercept her. Evidently she had seen me when I saw her, because she had rushed into the auditorium just as I slipped out. She chased me down and we reunited in a joyful hug there in the hallway.

I can still see it in my mind’s eye – I can still remember my almost euphoric happiness that things had finally reached a conclusion – I can still point to the exact spot where it happened. There have been times since when the building has been deserted that I have returned to the spot and relived that moment. For me, it brought the saga of my Chinese experience full circle. Now, at last, I felt truly home.

Those feelings are what make the moment stick in my mind. The relationship and kinship I felt with my friend are what gave those brief moments poignancy. There was a period of time, however, when the memory was bittersweet – when the happiness of the time was dulled by the regret of the present.

A couple years after our reunion, my friend and I had pretty much gone our separate ways. We still saw each other, but I no longer counted her as a close friend. Just this summer, thanks to her initiation, we finally reconnected on a deep level. Suddenly, I again feel that close bond I felt with her so long ago, and I am thankful. It’s a reminder that things don’t always stay the way they are…but that I shouldn’t give up easily on something good either.

Questions about Chapters 1-10:

1. On page 7, Miller says "You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience." What do you think of this theologically? I just heard something else like this today...maybe in Integrated Theology...about how God became incarnated to share our experience of life with us.

2. "Without story, experience are just random," Steve tells Don (27). Later, Miller talks about a man who changed his daughter's heart towards him through story. "He realized he hadn't provided a better role for his daughter. He hadn't mapped out a story for his family" (51). We clearly don't want our lives to be meaningless, but to what extent should we try to plan/map out the story of our lives? How does God fit into this picture?