Thanking God for His Mercy

This past week/weekend was emotionally tougher for me than I would like to admit. But thanks to God and individuals in His body, I’m in a much better place emotionally yesterday and today!

One of the things I knew I should do on Saturday was write a Thanksgiving list….but I couldn’t convince myself to do it. This morning, though, I did. The last three pages of the journal I just started in August are full of Thanksgivings that just barely begin to scratch the surface! I want to share it with you here as a testimony to God’s continued work & faithfulness in my life! In case you can’t tell, it’s in the style of Psalm 136 :)

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for You are good;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

Oh give thanks to the God of all grace & comfort;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

To the God who is eternal and supreme;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

To the Triune God in constant relationship;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

To the great God who defines love;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

To the most caring & personal Being;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

To You who formed all that we see;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

By Your omnipotent Word;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

The millions of stars by five simple words;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

Mountains and valleys, oceans and deserts;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

Trees and flowers in their colorful array;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

Creatures of almost limitless variety;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

The microscopic world which enables life;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

The way You provide & care for Your creation;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

The water cycle, an amazing design;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

The numerous scientific laws;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

Keeping life and nature in order;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

Oh give thanks to You, LORD;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For how You are writing Your story in me;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For the countless ways Your Grace moves in my life;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For the matchless gift of salvation;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For the godly heritage in my extended & immediate family;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For parents who raised me in Your Truth;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For Your unconditional love of me;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

That every twist & turn is part of Your plan;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For the friends & community You have placed in my life;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For the gifts & talents given for Your glory;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

For the many opportunities to know & love & serve;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

Oh give thanks to the God of heaven;

                For Your mercy endures forever.

God's Pursuit of Me, Part 1

I’ve been wanting to write this blog post for about a month. Warning, there’s lots of pieces involved…so it will probably be long!! {Edit: It will actually be a short (possibly!?) series of posts}

Last month as part of our Servant Teams training, we talked about the concept of Missio Dei, which describes the person of God Himself, as an outwardly-moving, lovingly-pursuing God.

As I wrote in my email newsletter,

“When you read the phrase, 'the Pursuit of God,' what is the first thought that comes to your mind? Because that simple phrase can be taken two ways, to mean two very different things. 

Option 1: We pursue relationship with God through reading the Bible, praying, attending church, etc.
Option 2: God has pursued and continues pursing relationship with us--primarily by incarnationally moving onto our turf and by speaking through His Spirit and His Word to our hearts. 

Talking about this topic in our training made me reflect back. In my childhood up through high school, I think I was more focused on option one, at least in the 'once I'm a Christian' sense. But sometime in the past 10 years, God opened my eyes and shifted my perspective. He's not sitting up in heaven waiting on us to respond to Jesus and come to Him. The Good Shepherd is out in the wide world, constantly searching for the hearts of His people--throughout their whole lives.”

So when Mandee asked us to draw a picture about the Pursuit of God before she started talking about it, this is what came out of my heart & soul:

At the end of our training on Missio Dei, Mandee gave us an assignment: To create an art piece showing three ways that God has pursued us in our life. Within a couple of minutes, I had jotted down a brief outline in my notes of what I wanted to do for my piece. The actual execution of it took most of a weekend, and some extra bits got added, even after presenting it to my class—but this is the finished project which came out of that assignment:

So the rest of this series I’m going to give you the back story behind each element. Because although I enjoyed being artsy and creating this, I’m still a writer first and foremost :D

But first, a caveat: I talked in my newsletter about how pre-college Esther heard “pursuit of God” and thought of herself pursuing God. So my art piece focuses on life after I began realizing that really, God pursues me. That does NOT mean that God never pursued my heart when I was a child. He definitely did!!! Maybe another time I’ll write more about that. But as far as my conscious recognition of God pursuing me, that has been more in the past 10 years.

Element 1: Heart Unshackled

This section could be a whole blog post!! And maybe someday I will do that. But I’m going to try to keep it short here.

I’ve come to realize that at a relatively young age, I built a castle wall / tower cell around my heart. Instead of sharing with people how I was feeling and how things were affecting me, I started bottling it all up inside. This was at its worst during my “spiritual dark ages” of middle school/high school.

God was still lovingly pursuing me even through that dark period of my life. But it wasn’t until the second half of high school that I learned I could write (as God’s gifting) and that writing was the easiest way to give voice to what was in my heart. And it wasn’t until God took me away from everything familiar to attend college a five-hour drive away from home that I was able to start recognizing the poor relational habits I had towards God and towards those close to me.

A couple weeks ago, during some prayer closet time, I suddenly realized that God has always used times of taking me outside {usually WAY outside} of my familiar atmosphere/comfort zone to do the most work of growth/change/refinement in me. In a lot of ways that makes sense, I had just never quite phrased it in my head before.

China. World Views class. Moving away to college. Going to Uganda. Coming to Portland.

Each of those major life shifts have brought about major changes and growth opportunities, and I am thankful!! But that’s kind of a tangent….! :)

So I went to college, not realizing that my heart was shackled away in a high, dark cell of loneliness and not letting anyone see the REAL me. And I was tired….tired of acting and trying to put on the right outward mask.

Then one day in chapel, Paraclete spoke GRACE deeply, deeply into my heart:

“What you do is not a question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift, based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no matter what.”

You can read more about the context/ramifications in this other blog post. But this is the picture He gave me in that moment:

I have carried that picture in my heart for seven and a half years, but had never tried to put it onto paper. When this art project came up, I knew it was time. Time to pull out all the stops, finding images online, tracing them in Illustrator, putting it all together to show what God did in my heart that day.

I know, there’s a word there that most of you don’t recognize – Kisakye. That word wasn’t part of the original picture, because I didn’t know it until years later, in Uganda. Kisakye is the Luganda word for Grace, and is what I took for myself as my “Ugandan name.”

The beauty of God’s Grace has continued to be such an important heart concept for me over these past years. I’m still learning to apply it to my life…it can be hard for me to accept Grace rather than staying shackled in the cell of my own expectations and demands on myself. But God continues to faithfully work this in my heart! And I am thankful.

Well….I think I am a bit written out for the time being. There is more I could say about that heart picture, but maybe some other day. For now, it’s time to get ready for a day at UGM. I will come back another time to explain the other elements of my art piece!

An "Inciting Incident"

This is another of my old posts for Thrive80, a short-lived Moody Publishing blog for millennials. It was originally written and published in September 2012 on a now-defunct website. I want to share it here and now because the subject ties in closely with another blog post I am currently working on writing!!

The original blog prompt for this was to write about an "inciting incident" in my life...something that forever altered/changed me. It was easy for me, as a college senior, to know what to pick!! Enjoy :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011. It seemed like a perfectly normal day, but I will forever mark it as the day God revolutionized my life. I stood in chapel at my small, Christian college singing during the worship time. For some reason I sat further back than normal—nearly under the shelter of the upstairs balcony.

As I sang, surrounded by hundreds of my fellow students and yet feeling alone, my mind returned to the questions I had asked so often throughout high school and my first year and a half of college. “Why God? Why is it that I feel like I want a deeper relationship with You and yet nothing changes? Why do You seem so silent? I try so hard.”

There was no rending of the heavens, no vision of glorious majesty. But there was a simple Thought, sent—I believe—by the Holy Spirit at just the moment He had crafted in His infinite plan.

“What you do is not a question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift, based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no matter what.”

Hearing that truth and truly realizing what it meant in my life for the first time acted as a single beam of light into what had long been the dark room of my spiritual strivings. Looking back now, I can see that I have always tended toward attempting to earn assurance of others’ love and affection for me by working as a people pleaser. I naturally brought that same idea over to my relationship with God.

Yes, I knew intellectually that I could not earn my salvation. And yet as a Christian I had spent the previous years of my life trying to make myself worthy of God’s love and approval – lacking the faith that the Immanuel who came to save people from sin could truly accept me with all of my shortcomings and failings. In some ways it seems so simple and silly – it is in Scripture…I learned those verses and I should have known that receiving salvation did not suddenly mean that I must curry God’s favor (Gal. 3:1-3). Nevertheless that was how I thought, and it is still a trap I often find myself falling into.

I am still nowhere near the perfection I would love to achieve. But the embedding of that truth deep into my spiritual psyche started me on a journey of personal revival which God is still unfolding. The beauty of it all is that there was nothing special about that day – no reason from my end for the blessings I have since received. It is all Grace – God’s amazing Grace. And that’s the whole point. Yes, it is tempting to question why not sooner. But the answer goes right back to the lesson. God’s Grace is not bound by human understanding. No, I didn’t deserve what happened on January 25^th any more than I had any other day. But that is the beauty of Grace.

I could have written that last paragraph yesterday, not six years ago!!! The ramifications of this inciting incident are still reverberating through my life as I continue to learn the importance of practicing the truth Paraclete spoke into my heart that day. Thankful to God for His faithfulness in leading my journey up to that point, through that revelation, and every day since then--even in the trials and the challenges.

My New Covenant Vow

This is something the Holy Spirit led me to work on last week. I used Tuesday morning, when I didn't go into UGM, to "research"/"write" it. Maybe some other time I will write the story of what led up to doing this...but for now I just want to share it with you. It turned out differently than I initially thought it would - but I like it better this way.

In the name of the Triune God, because of who HE is, and by His leading.

The Theological Foundation of My Identity

v  I declare that I am God’s creation, made by Him in His image for His purposes and glory, and so that I may enjoy Him forever in eternally present/future relationship. {Gen. 1:26; Phil. 1:19-23}

v  I am fearfully and wonderfully made; all the days fashioned for me are God’s marvelous work in and through my life; and that my soul knows very well. {Psalm 139:14-15}

v  Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is the loving Redeemer of my soul; for the joy set before Him and for God’s glory as well as my good, He bore the punishment of my sin on the cross. {Heb. 12:2}

v  I was dead in my trespasses and sins, unable to do anything to resurrect or save myself; God made me alive and saved me by His grace, totally undeserved by me. {Eph. 2:4-5}

v  In Christ, I am God’s beloved adoptive daughter, a child of the Most High King of heaven; I am a co-heir with Christ through suffering with Him. {Rom. 8:15-17}

v  God lavishes His unconditional grace & love on me, moment by moment and day by day {Eph. 1:7-8; 1 John 4:10}

v  It is God who works in me both to will and to do for His good pleasure; but I also have the responsibility of working out my own salvation. {Phil. 2:12-13}

v  Christ’s resurrection power is what is working towards me, within me, and what should be flowing out of me. {Eph. 1:19-20; Phil. 3:10}

v  I carry the treasure of the knowledge of God in Christ as a mere earthen vessel.
{2 Cor. 4:6-7}

v  Paraclete, the Counselor and Spirit of Truth, abides in me forever and reminds me of what Jesus taught; He is the guarantee of my inheritance. {John 14:16-17, 26; Eph. 1:13-14}

v  I am not sufficient in myself; nothing good comes from myself but rather from God; He has made me sufficient and makes me a minister of the new covenant of life in the Spirit.
{2 Cor. 3:5-6}

The Practical Application Points as a Result:

v  Jesus calls me to abide in His unconditional love, and to extend that love to others—laying down my life for them—as well as to myself. {John 15:9-13}

v  Jesus calls me to daily take up my cross and follow Him; to save my life by losing it for His sake {Luke 9:23-25}

v  God calls me to submit to Him as clay does to the potter’s hands. {Rom. 9:20-21}

v  I am called to recognize and worship the holy sovereignty of God, and to repent before Him when I find myself questioning His purposes. {Job 42:5-6}

v  Jesus calls me to come to Him when I am heavy laden by the burden I bear; to take His light and easy yoke in its place; to find rest in Him; to learn from Him. {Matt. 11:28-30}

v  I am called to follow in Jesus’ example, humbling myself and taking the form of a bondservant. {Phil 2:4-8}

v  As Jesus spent hours in solitude and prayer with His heavenly Father to balance out intense times of ministry, so should I. {Matt. 14:23}

v  I should follow Jesus’ example in crying out to God for strength during challenging times and in asking those close to me to pray with/for me. {Matt. 26:38ff}

v  I am called to daily practice authenticity as I intentionally put off the old Esther and put on the new Esther, being renewed by God in holiness & righteousness. {Eph. 4:22-24}

v  It is okay and needed to sometimes pull back, say no, and practice spiritual self-care. {Luke 5:15-16}

v  I am not yet perfected; but I am called to forget the things which are behind and press on toward the prize in Christ; knowing He will continue His work until He returns! {Phil 3:12-14; 1:6}

v  I am called to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God. {Micah 6:8}

v  I am called to cast all my cares upon God; to humble myself under His mighty hand; to let Him be the one to exalt me in due time. {1 Pet. 5:6-7}

v  Jesus calls me to rest in the sufficiency of His grace and strength, especially in my weaknesses; to boast and even take pleasure in my shortcomings. {2 Cor. 12:9-10}

v  I am called to be a member of the body of Christ—suffering and rejoicing with my brothers and sisters in Christ (and letting them do the same with me), as well as using my gifts to minister alongside them. {1 Cor. 12:12-31}

v  I am called to live in community – bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to maintain the unity in the Spirit. {Eph. 4:1-6}

v  I am called to confess my sins to my fellow believers, that we may pray for one another and be healed. {James 5:16}

I commit to these things in the name of Abba, Jesus, and Paraclete. Amen.